Friday, January 21, 2011

9021 'OH' Hell No. Beverly Hills Housewives Finale


I am obsessed with the whole Bravo Housewives franchise. I can't get enough of Orange County, New York, Atlanta, New Jersey and Beverly Housewives. And FYI I didn't leave out Washington DC because really... who cares about that season? Nobody.

So let's discuss the finale episode of last nights Beverly Hills Housewives shall we?

Oh Camille... Camille. Who could handle the fake toast she did in honor of her husband, Kelsey Grammer, before the Tony Awards?

"To thirteen years of marriage. Cheers." Clink.

She said she thought they could work it out but he was already 'working something out' allright with a twenty something flight attendant. I was waiting for Kelsey Grammer to get all Frasier on her ass and sit down for a session. She doesn't need Kelsey.. she can make money. For example: Camille should come out with her own workout video.. the first exercise being the 'shoulder shrug.'

Camille does enlighten us by saying "I do in my heart believe it's a woman." (insert eyebrow raise here). She begged him to stay in their unhealthy marriage. He said no of course. And five minutes later I imagine she called hear ummm...'dear friend' Nick.

We then see Demi Moore look-alike, Kyle, talking to a psychic and she pulls out her dead mothers ashes and a lock of her mother's hair in a Ziploc baggie.Good thing she didn't mistakenly bring along one of Paris Hilton's (her niece) Ziploc baggies by mistake if you know what I'm sayin'. I was waiting for her to do some weird voodoo stuff but it was just to talk about a disagreement she had with her looney tunes sister Kim.

Taylor and her lips met Lisa at lunch in her restaurant. Buzz word of the lunch was 'put it to bed'... Oye, hasn't Camille been through enough... Kelsey already did that. I digress...Taylor invites Lisa to her birthday party that Russell is throwing.... which means he will be creepily standing there awkwardly holding a glass of booze and looking all over for a cheeseburger tent.

Taylor gave away Snowball, her dog, to a friend since her daughter is allergic. I am sure Lisa's dog, Jiggy, feels victorious being the only 'bitch' on the show... well kind of.

Kim goes to weird make-up artist, Thierry, (yes, that's his name) to learn how to put make-up on at the age of 40 something. She says Kyle knows how to do her makeup because she had more friends and went to school and Kim did not because she worked all the time. Yep... this makes complete sense.

Lisa and Ken are ready for their permanent house guest, Cedric, to pack his speedo and get the hell out. He is thirty something and living there rent free. He doesn't want to leave because he has 'abandonment' issues and he likes having a 'family'. Puhhhhh-leeeaaseee... you are thirty something you should have moved out about ten years ago even if you felt part of the family. He also allegedly dated Lance Bass... in the wise words of his ex... BYE BYE BYE Cedric.

The party began and Kyle came in wearing a black dress with slits up her arms looking like Mauricio's relatives hedged her sleeves with some weed whackers.Taylor was almost late for her party because she had to apply her lip gloss to her bottom lip (extra twenty more minutes). Taylor then shared a romantically awkward ride in limo as her hubby, Russell, was intensely looking at his Blackberry. (I am sure playing Pac Woman because it reminds him of how Taylor eats cotton candy.)

The only interesting thing Adrienne said the whole episode was she was upset with her husband because he'd rather be golfing in Pebble Beach with Marky Mark. Can you blame the guy?

Kim arrives drunk as a skunk and hugs her bestfriend Melody like she's a missing olive from a martini glass. Kyle looks concerned.. probably because she was worried Kim would pull the tinsel weave out of Adrienne's hair. Kim then talks to her former date, Martin,... the 400 year old Richard Gere look alike. He asks if she wants a drink... she says 'she's good' as she walks away white knuckling her wrist.

Highlight of the night: Russell's speech. Oh yes. He clanks his glass to get people's attention with a knife that I wish I could stab my ears with. He grabs her hand and thanks everyone for coming to her '30th birthday' (ha!) saying 'it's a wonderful year and looks forward to next year and Happy Birthday... where is the cheeseburger tent?' OK the last part didn't happen but she did correct him saying she is 39... he replies with 'but really hot for 39'.... you could hear crickets and Camille rolling her eyes across town.

Taylor confronts Kim and the chicken squabble begins. The party looks over with their mouths gaped open in horror. Then Kyle and Kim go at it and sisterly resentment ensued. Kim runs of in tears into the limo and cries to Adrienne and Martin- totally messing up the her makeup that her make-up artist taught her to do.

Cue Kyle coming in the limo and fast forward to Kim screaming 'you stole my house'. Kyle loses her mind and runs to the end of the limo and calls her an alcoholic and exits.

Ending thoughts: this reunion is going to be AMAZING.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Happy New Year!

Even though 2010 was a great chapter… it’s onto the next pages of 2011!

So we are a little over a week into the New Year and all sorts of celebrity dirt has hit the fan faster then a pair of silly bands thrown on stage at a Justin Bieber concert. So here's Da Dish...

In Baby Daddy News:

Congratulations to Owen Wilson who is going to be a Dad. If the mother resembles Barbara Streisand...this kid is screwed. The 'college fund' will be turned into the 'rhinoplasty' fund.

Black Swan’s Natalie Portman is engaged and with child. Her assumed pregnancy cravings: bread crumbs.

A Posh Pregnancy: Victoria ‘Posh’ Beckham is pregnant. I am assuming her 'delivery face' will resemble her 'red carpet face'. A pout and a stare of death into David’s eyes if she hears yet again from the doctor ‘it’s a boy.’

Is Another Kardashian Sister Knocked Up? Rumors are swirling Khloe Kardashian is pregnant because she wore a ‘flowy’ dress to the ‘People’s Choice Awards’ GASP If you saw my wardrobe people would think I have been pregnant for the past three years. She could just be bloated or she could have just left having a big dinner at a Red Lobster with Lamar.

The ‘Ball’ dropped and so did the Singles:

It’s Britney Bitch. Britney Spears finally has new single out which seems like forever, ‘Don’t Hold It Against Me’… and I sadly may have to hold it against her. Although my inner Britney fan is squealing with joy… I am a little disappointed. I wanted Brit to really bring her A game. I settled for the ‘Gimme More’ the single because I knew she was going through her post-Sinead O’Conner hair tragedy but come on … someone needs to give her a grande Frap and a bag of Cheetos and let her bust out her best auto tune voice!

Kanye…He’s a Monster! I am now obsessed with the new Kanye song ‘Monster’ featuring Nicki Minaj and Jay-Z… however, the video was frightening. Basically a modern day ‘Thriller’ video mixed with a 'True Blood" episode. After watching I felt like I needed to repent and go to church immediately…. but instead hit replay.


It’s all Kanye West’s Fault. I am so over Taylor Swift and apparently Jake Gyllenhaal is too. I guess he didn’t see much of a future with her and could see the writing on the wall (or in her coloring book) that even in her 30’s she’d most likely be still singing about high school and wearing short sequin dresses. However, it was refreshing to see she graduated from juicy juice boxes to coffee (since every single freaking date they went on was to Starbucks).

In Lindsay Lohan News:

Oh well…who cares anymore? She’s clean today…but there is an 80% chance tomorrow her father, Michael Lohan, will be on Entertainment Tonight discussing another relapse or her and ex girlfriend Sam Ronson arguing at a club while Sam "DJ's" aka "playing her I TUNES account on her laptop."

In TV News:

Kate Gosselin vs. Sarah Palin: I watched the famous ‘camping episode’ on TLC of Kate and her brood of eight going to Alaska to stay in the woods with the Palin family in the cold rain. Kate lost her marbles when she didn’t see a paparazzi camera in sight. There was a lot of childish tears and stomping of feet…. And not from any of the children.

Jersey Shore is Back and fists are pumping... at each other. There is a new a roommate in the house and her name is Deena. The only thing missing from the first episode was a pool of jello because it was a wrestling fest between all of the female roommates. Bikinis optional...thanks to Deena.