Monday, August 31, 2009

Love at First Sight....

Amber Rose hosts Toa BeachConcert For Diana - Performance
Couple Amber Rose and Kanye West only have eyes for each other. She looks like one of the female characters from a Mortal Combat video game and I don't quite understand the venetian blind shades that Kanye is trying to pull off... but both looks are equally as scary. Who is going to make this couple aware that it is not Halloween yet?

Na-Nu Na-Nu

Tom and Katie decided to have a cute family outting and opted to hide their antennas and go out in public recently... I imagine this is what Mork and Mindy would look like in the year 2009.
Tom Cruise relaxes with Katie and Suri before jetting out

A Day in the Life of a Douche Dad....

Welcome to a Day in the Life of THE one and only Douche Dad...
whom I affectionatley call Gross Goss....

Jon Gosselin hosts a pool party at the Wet Republic Pool at MGM Las Vegas
This will REALLY help your image... here is proud Daddy of eight hosting MGM Grand's Wet Republic Pool Party in Vegas. Who do you think you are? Paris Hilton?
Jon Gosselin Appears At Wet Republic
A picture is indeed worth a thousand words....
Jon Gosselin Appears At Wet Republic

He could be calling his children to see what candy they like to bring home... but he could possibly be talking to his young twenty two year old girlfriend Hailey to see what she would like... I have a hunch "Airheads" is her candy of choice. Just sayin'....

Jon Gosselin buys some candy for his 8 kids at Sugar Factory in Las Vegas

The song "Baby Don't Hurt Me" is blaring in my mind as I look at this picture. SNL's Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan would be outraged....
Jon Gosselin is surrounded by bikini-clad babes as he hosts the Wet Republic pool party in Vegas

I rest my case....
Jon Gosselin hosts a pool party at the Wet Republic Pool at MGM Las Vegas

Thank goodness for Kate keeping things together on the home front. Gross Goss... clean up your act and snap out of this midlife crisis you are in. Just because you rented the movie "17 Again" with Zac Efron doesn't mean you can try to go back to your youth.

Do it for these little munchkins.
Jon and Kate take their Sextuplets to first day of school in Reading, PA

Chris Brown(nosing) on Larry King

Chris Brown had decided to go on Larry King this week to discuss the events of what transpired between him and Rihanna that violent filled night a few months back.

It looks as though Chris went into Larry's closet and grabbed that powder blue disaster of a sweater that would make Mr. Rogers proud, then took a bow tie from the Pee Wee Herman collection, then finished it off with huge diamond studs from John Gosselin's jewelry box.

This interview gets better, after my initial shock of seeing what he was wearing.... he then opened his mouth and says he doesn't remember doing it. Umhum. Just because your mother is next to you in your interview and you used to tell her "you didn't remember" why you didn't clean the dishes or clean your room this WILL NOT get you out of not being able to remember why you took multiple sucker punches to your ex-girlfriend. Not cool. Own up to what you did.

Side note: Did anyone else seem to notice who his mother may have copied her haircut from?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Child Please.... with OchoCinco

Hard Knocks S05E01 - Chad Ochocinco: "Child Please"
Uploaded by thegame91. - See more comedy videos.

I took some Spanish in middle school so I know that Ocho Cinco means the numbers 8 and 5. But oh no...after watching the "Hardknocks" on HBO featuring pre-season training camp following the Cincinnati Bengals.... OchoCinco has taken on so much more than just a number.

Meet Estaban OchoCinco.... he is the wide reciever number 85. (side note to Esteban: you should really be called Ochenta y Cinco) He has gone by more names than P Diddy. His real name is Chad Johnson.... he then went by Chad OchoCinco... and NOW added some extra spice on the field going by Esteban OchoCinco.

You would think Esteban would love him some Taco Bell but he is a firm believer in "lovin it" at McDonalds. He says he feels good but does have what some would call "the worst diet in the world." He pulls up to the golden arch drive through and orders the following (his own breakfast of champions):
Hotcakes with sausage, two sausage egg McMuffins and a large orange juice.

In OchoCinco's Words:
Child Please Philospohy # 1

"Breakfast, lunch, dinner right here." as he holds a ginormous red carton of fries. "Eat what u wanna eat and work out the way you are supposed to. That movie "Supersize Me"... Man please.... it's a freakin movie. Not realistic. Child please... that's what that gets."

Not only does he eat on a budget... he shops on a budget too. My kind of man. In the accessories store "Claire's" you can find little tweens shopping for headbands, necklaces and rings but you can also find OchoCinco shopping for his fake diamond stud earrings for $12.50.
In OchoCinco's Words:
Child Please Philosophy # 2
"You dont have to go spend 20, 30, 130, or 150..I get the same effect with these right here man. See?" As he holds up the cheap diamond studded earings. "See that... when I take these out the package and put these right on..... same thing. Just cause you got money doesn't mean you have to go spend it."

Even though he is on the field running and catching... those hands and feet need some kind of a break right? OchoCinco's Friday routine consists of getting his manicure/pedicure. By the looks of those feet that poor nail tech better be getting one hell of a supersize tip.

So lets recap: McDonalds, Claire's and manicure/pedicure... seems like a day in the life of of a sixteen year old girl not a wide reciever... CHILD PLEASE.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Forever Danny Tanner .....

Bob Saget has tried to shatter his squeaky clean Danny Tanner image from Full House... however... it's quite frankly painful for me to watch. He is trying far too hard to be crude and funny that I am left with no choice but to post the above evidence that he is indeed NOT.

A Roast on Comedy Central and guest appearences on Entourage will not change my mind Mr. Saget. You will never be cool or funny .....but forever Danny Tanner to me. Now, go help Stephanie find Mr. Bear.

Kourtney Kardashian's Baby Will Look Like....

(picture provided by Warner Brothers Pictures)
What happened last night? hmmm....
Seems as though Momma got a little crazy in Miami... like a bad sequal to "Knocked Up"
Khloe Kardashian unveils her new PETA Billboard Fur? Id Rather Go Naked, on Melrose Ave, Los Angeles, California.
Dash should come out with a matching Mommy and baby sunglasses line...

Sorry Pam... He Prefers a Blunt

The Office Wedding Scenes Stir Pregnancy Rumors!

American Institute For Stuttering 3rd Annual Benefit Gala

John Krasinski from The Office has been seen out and about for quite some time with a smokin’ hot blunt… Emily Blunt that is.

The twosome have dated since Emily’s split from the smooth finger snapping singer Michael “my boo” Buble last year. Oh and what a year can do....

Blunt and Krasinski have recently have announced their engagement. I have a hunch that she will not be playing any of Buble’s songs at the wedding reception. Unless Pam waits outside blairing “Everything “over her head with a boom box…. “Say Anything” style.

Friday, August 28, 2009

DJ AM Has Passed Away....

10th Annual Academy Awards Celebration Dinner & After Party

Very sad and tragic news tonight... Adam Goldstein also known as DJ AM has passed away.

As I was snuggled up on my couch after a long day... I was watching mindless re-runs of Kourtney and Khloe take Miami when E! Breaking News flashed across the screen announcing the recent death.

DJ AM was known by many for dating Mandy Moore and being engaged to Nicole Richie... but to most he was an extremely talented DJ who provided great music.

I don't like saying RIP because it reminds me too much of creepy Halloween gravestones. But I do hope that wherever Adam may be he is resting peacefully and playing some funky music for those around him.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Edward Cullen....Vampire to Barbie?

If Ken wanted to drink Barbie's blood he would look like this....

Twilight characters immortalised in plastic as Barbie dolls

Bella and Edward are out of Forks and in a Barbie World..."wrapped in plastic... and it's fantastic." I can't wait for the little girl who plays with these dolls to grow up. Before you know it she'll be sixteen in high school not talking to her parents wearing all black with piercings all over her face and eyeliner on her eyes and lips. For serious.

All I know is that this Edward doll needs some sun like whoa. He may like drinking type A blood but is in dire need for some vitamin D. Not to mention the hair on both dolls look like it was taken from extra scraps from Kim Zolciak and Donald Trumps' weave lines. These dolls don't look anything like the real Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart below.

Take a look at Exhibit A for "Akward" (left) and Exhibit B for "Beautiful"(right)

2009 MTV Movie Awards held in Universal City, California

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Sookie and Bill from Years Ago

Original Sin Film Premiere

Flashback. Before Angelina got with her handsome prince Brad... she had a dark side with her ex-hubby Billy Bob. Let's put it this way... if "Fangtasia" from True Blood really existed you would surely find her all up in this joint.

When I used to think of the name Billy Bob I would stereotype and think of an overweight high school kid with a twangy accent with constant trails of bbq and grease stains on his shirt from eating at the local Piggly Wiggly. Now… that I am older and wiser… I just associate the name with that horrible dragon tattoo Angelina got taken off her arm years ago.

(Smart idea Angie. Since she now tattoos symbols representing her children …she needs to make room on that little arm too fit the children she has now AND the handful of kids her and Brad will most likely adopt in the years to come.)

Angelina is a far cry from that wild child she was like years ago. A side note to True Blood’s Sookie and Bill… these two came WAY before your time freaks. They used to walk around with viles of blood around each others neck. Umhum... hardcore. I wonder if BILLy Bob used to say in a raspy voice “Angelina is miiinne.” She was way too hot for him... he MUST have "glamoured" her.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Raise Your Hand If You're Hungry.....

Rachel Zoe and Rodger Berman spotted in a old Porsche convertible in Malibu, CA

Rachel Zoe speaks about "bananas" alot... it's about time she start eating one.

I say this out of concern.... I love her in my long awaited show "The Rachel Zoe Project" which premiered on Bravo last night. The theme of the episode was styling the likes of Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Eva Mendes, Anne Hathaway and Cameron Diaz for the Golden Globes.
I sometimes think that Rachel is distantly related to Paula Abdul. Some of the things that come out of her mouth... my jaw drops open in a mix of disbelief and reflex because I want whatever pill she is taking in my mouth.
One memorable quote was when she was describing how she felt when she saw Cameron on the red carpet wearing an altered Chanel dress Rachel made happen:
"that dress was like carrying it in my womb for nine months and birthing it out the Golden Globes."
Silly Rachel- there has been nothing in your stomach in over nine months. Literally. Especially this pretty pink curtain/toga.

The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Monday, August 24, 2009

Heidi's Singing...Run For "The Hills"

Heidi Montag performed her new single "Body Language" at Miss Universe 2009 last night. I definetly saw some body language going on... I was waiting to see Spencer at the end of the stage holding a whad of one dollar bills.... THAT kind of body language. Followed by Miley Cyrus's Kid's Choice Awards pole making it's way across the stage.

And I want to know who did Heidi's makeup. One of the stage mothers from the show "Toddlers and Tiaras?" And who thought of being so original when it came to her outfit? I don't know where I saw it before....hmmmm....I can't seem to put my finger on it...

2000 MTV Video Music Awards

Oh yes... Britney y'all!

How could this MTV reality wackadoo try to mimick greatness at it's finest? Heidi told Access Hollywood, "I grew up watching Britney Spears. That's someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise."

Like.. no I don't Heidi. You cannot be Britney Spears then. Impossible. However, you are heading down her path now. You managed to do one thing on the to do list: Marry a loser. Check.

Next is to get pregnant, get a divorce, and shave your head. Then you could borrow a wig from that other piece of reality trash from Real Housewives of Atlanta Kim Zolciak. You guys could even do a duet together.... maybe Dallas Austin is available.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Premiere Of 20th Century Foxs John Tucker Must Die

Oh yeah… them.

Nelly and Ashanti have reportedly split. Not like you care…I mean….their names haven’t seen the charts in how many years? This news just reminded me of when I was a senior in high school and I would walk out to my red beat up Geo Prism in the parking lot and cross my fingers it would actually start- and when it did… I would roll down the windows and blare “must be the monnnnneeeyyy” from my stereo. Then when the track “EI” came out… forget about.

My love for Nelly soon ended (as well as his career) when he came out with “Shake ya Tail Feather” feautring Diddy. That song just spread on the cheese factor and I would just became irritated and paranoid when I heard it thinking there were cops behind me every two seconds with that repetitive siren beat. Ashanti had like one hit and the fact I can't remember the song doesn't help her cause.

Hopefully their hearts will mend. Worse comes to worse Nelly’s publicist could get him a dating show on VH1. That’d make the pain go away quickly.... just like pulling off a Band-Aid… right Nelly?

Friday, August 21, 2009

On the Down Lo

Lindsay Lohan out and about in SoHo, NYCLindsay Lohan out and about in SoHo, NYC

Too late Lindsay... we see it's you. I too would want to hide my face if caught wearing that whorendous outfit.

p.s. did Rihanna get her claws on that nice gentlemens's shirt?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

RiRi Razor Hands

Pops Fashion Forward Princess - Rihanna - Steps Out in NYC!

For serious... Rihanna needs to get those nails clipped ASAP. My dogs nails are shorter than that.... I can recommend a good groomer if need be.

I understand she is known for being a trendsetter but this trend needs to be scratched off the list. That can't be safe. Girlfriend needs a nail file... stat. Unless she grew those weapons for self defense purposes... it's not acceptable RiRi.

If you're not dating that handicapped boy turned rapper from Degrassi anymore.. I have a match made in heaven for you... his name is Edward Scissorhands.

Rihanna Sports A Ring On The Finger !

The McConaughey "Genes"... Lil' Levi

Levi McConaughey Goes For A Walk With His Grandma In Malibu

No... this is not a still photo from a feed the children commerical....

This incredibly cute child is the spawn of the one and only Matthew McConaughey. His name is Levi... but if his genes are as good as his name he will turn out as hunky as his father one day. (p.s. is that Madonna's hand in the picture?)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"Flipping Out" Over Jeff Lewis ....

NBC Universals TCA Press Tour Party 2009

I could hardly contain my excitement last night... I felt like I was five years old again and I was awaiting Santa to bring me a gift. But in this case.... my gift was an overly tanned and botoxed man with OCD. "Flipping Out" on Bravo premiered yesterday and after waiting patiently"The Rachel Zoe Project" comes back next week.... I get to hear her slang again...."bananas!" "I die." Yikes... and by the looks of it so will Rachel if she doesnt eat a sandwich.... but we'll get to that next week when the show airs.

So Jeff is still certifiably crazy. His lips seem even more plumper than last season- they remind me of that deformed fish you have in your fish tank that just floats around and you make up some sad name like "Fluffer" or "Gilly" due to it's physical handicap. His lips look like THAT fish. His face is perfectly manscaped... like one of his landscapers or gardeners did him a favor after they managed the outside property.

I can't help but let out a sigh when his old lover/now business partner, Ryan, appears on screen. He reminds me of a less attractive Nate... all you ladies know Nate...the hot guy on Oprah who gives homes a makeover and can be seen at your local Bed Bath and Beyond with his face plastered all over comforter, sheets and pillow packaging. Umhum... I bet I would sleep well in Nate's sheets.

His assistant Jenny resembles Julia Lois Dreyfuss.... I keep waiting for Seinfield to come around the corner and say "What's Goin' On Around Here?! " She could easily quit her job with Jeff and be Elaine's stunt double. Easy.

And my favorite: I love how Jeff's housekeeper Zoila tilts her head like a confused puppy as she looks at him with dazed eyes upon an order he gives - she doesnt understand a word of English besides saying "STOT Jeeeeehhhh." That sentence actually needed subtitles at the bottom of the screen "Stop Jeff." I cannot make this stuff up.....

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian:"E"asy Ratings...

Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian on Miami Beach in December 2007

Looks like someone forgot to “keep up” with her birth control pills. "Keeping up with the Kardashians " E! star Kourtney has a mistake… I mean a baby…. in the oven. This is scary considering her new reality spin off "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami" shows the girls binge drinking, partying and making out with both guys AND gals. I seriously hope the baby doesn’t come out of the womb with a hangover.

I was wondering if Lohan could be the father… but then it came out that Kourtney’s ex-boyfriend Scott (such a)Disick is the baby daddy. He apparently comes from money and doesn’t make any himself- so it makes sense for him to pull a Federline.

Scott gives me the creeps… he is a knock off of version of Spencer Pratt- the worst breed of the male species. Speaking of which, I am waiting for him to ask Brody Jenner for a regular spot on the next season of "The Hills". Just to prove my point....look at his shorts with seashells on them- I wonder why he didn't opt for shorts with crabs on them? hmmmmm. Now that would be reality tv.

When a couple such as this reproduces I know that shows like "NYC Prep" will be running on Bravo for awhile. I expect their child to be on season 15 in this vicious cycle of reality wealth and PC cast as the godfather.

Kourtney is expected to have the baby in December, awwww, just in time for a white Christmas. FYI: and I am not talking about the white powder allegedly found in Khloe’s purse.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Chicken Tetrazzini Challenge Part 2

Dominique Cooked Paul Chicken Tetrazzini!
In your face Dominique! I did it. I cooked THE chicken tetrazzini. When I first heard about this dish I had no clue what the hell it was. I imagined it to look like chicken parm or something with a red sauce and cheese- like all Italian food. So I did a little research online for some recipes…. only to find about fifty different variations!
I settled on one. Basically the main ingredients are: pasta, chicken, parmesan cheese, chicken broth, heavy crème, flour, parsley, salt, pepper and bread crumbs.
To put it simply, if mac n’ cheese and tuna casserole got it on it would produce this bastard child –chicken tetrazzini. So the irony that this dish would be on something like Maury is appropriately fitting.
So here is my yummy "da dish"......Come on over PAUL!

Carrie and Aidan... a BIG Reunion is Due

The Philanthropist Broadway Opening Night

Carrie Bradshaw- you have smoked one too many cigarettes my darling. That smoke must have fogged up your brain.

I just wish I could go back in time and go through my TV and shake her …(and steal her Manolo Blahniks and run)…no but shake her until she tells me why on earth would she chose Big over Aidan. Why?

I loved Aidan. He had that weird and awkward mullet and I wasn’t too sure about him at first …but then he cleaned up and I slowly but surely accepted my flannel wearing wood maker. He was like a younger Gepetto and Carrie his Pinocchio (yikes that wasn’t an intended dig… but I guess it fits). Aidan brought her to life for a little while. You can tell he genuinely loved her yet she Carrie still kept seeing (gag) Big.

I would shudder when I would see that creepy black limo appear at the most random times. The window would roll down like a bad 80’s Grey Poupon mustard commercial. He didn’t even have the decency to get out of the car? How BIG of you.

Since the new SATC movie got the green light- my recommendation for the next SATC sequal movie is that Big cheats on Carrie with Samantha. It creates heartbreak and drama and Carrie then can reconnect with Aidan. I mean, she cried 80% of the first movie so why not the second?

Samantha would feel so horrible she would go back to her place in California and meet up and start a relationship with that crazy HOT dude from “Dancing with The Stars” and my requirement would be he would be shirtless throughout the whole movie. Make him a lifeguard or something.

Miranda and Charlotte would stay by Carrie’s side. Miranda would still be with dorky Steve. He reminds me of a combination between Paul from The Wonder Years and the dorky kid with the glasses in the Sandlot but all grown up. Even though he had cheated on Miranda…. I still loved that dopey little man. Charlotte would still be married to the lawyer living happily with her kids and her dog- Elizabeth Taylor. The girls would cut their ties with Samantha and at the end of the movie (of course) reunite and another wedding would take place. Except Aidan would actually show up to the altar.

As a wedding gift Aiden could build Carrie that walk in closet resembling the one Big bought her in the first movie. I will admit, that closet is every woman’s fantasy. I gasped when I saw it (along with the rest of the women and five gay men in the movie theater) and discretely wiped a tear from my eye. It was the second most beautiful thing I have ever seen… Brad Pitt’s face in "Legends of the Fall" being the first.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My Chicken Tetrazzini Challenge

So I would like to dedicate this post to Joel McHale from The Soup on the E! Network. When I saw this clip I became enamored with "da dish" of Chicken Tetrazzini. If Dominique could win over Paul then this must be one hell of a delicious meal. In fact, it must be SO good... it would send Rachael Ray off the charts on the YUMMM-O meter. So I would like to step up to the challenge. I am going to make chicken tetrazzini this week and post my experiences and my finished "da dish." Stay tuned........

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Lose That Guy in 10 Days......

Kate Hudson with mom, Goldie Hawn, and Kurt Russell at the NY Yankees game

Kate Hudson… I beg you to take some advice from your movie and “Lose THAT guy in 10 days.” And you know what guy I am referring to. “A to the Roid” Alex Rodriguez. Do you really want to be Madonna’s sloppy seconds? Speaking of which.... Madonna’s emaciated and veiny arms have given me nightmares this past week. With all of the Michael Jackson nostalgia airing I glanced up at the TV and had mistaken one of the zombie’s from the "Thriller" video for the material girl. My personal message to her is just because you adopt children from a third world country doesn’t mean you have to eat their native diet… nothing.

It’s like Madonna has walked right out of Kate’s Mom's (Goldie Hawn) movie “Death Becomes Her.” She is doing everything in her power to win immortality when pretty soon we’ll see a hole in her stomach and her neck able to swivel to her back.

Disney Channel Meets the Spice Channel.....

2009 Teen Choice Awards, Gibson Amphitheater, Universal City, California

So I think that Britney Spears should sit down with these young girls in Hollywood and scare their Disney butts into reality. Kind of like an AAA meeting but call it PSCOA.... "Put Some Clothes On Anonymous." Can't you just see Britney holding meetings at her home (that she's being held captive in by Papa Spears) as she sips on a Juicy Juice box and a cigarette hanging from her mouth as she yells at little Jayden James to stop peeing in the kiddie pool? That's what I would call a "life lesson."

First, let's discuss Miley Cyrus and her latest shananigans she recently pulled at the Kids Choice Awards. What was she thinking? Well… I know nothing because her brain is about the size of her double A bust. But where was Billy Ray when she decided to pole dance at the KIDS… I repeat… KIDS Choice Awards? At least now we know what career she will thrive in when she grows up and becomes another washed up child star. I can’t wait to see that E True Hollywood story. Just because you are 16 now and can drive a car doesn’t give you the right to ride a pole. I will give her some props though… she did manage keep her clothes on.

I wish I could say the same for Ashley Greene (aka Alice Cullen). She may be able to see the future in Twilight but I bet she didn’t see her naked pictures being leaked all over the internet anytime soon. She is seductively posing in front of a mirror with nothing on. She is claiming the pics were leaked illegally…. pshhhh no kidding hunny… aren’t they all? But girlfriend….. it’s illegal to look that good. Nothing like a riskay picture of a fake vampire to scare my fat butt into shape. I am running to the store and buying some Lean Cusine’s ASAP. Now that’s what I call a healthy body. Are you listening Amy Winehouse?

Monday, August 10, 2009

MAN... How Can Paris be so Clueless?

Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton Shop For Fall Shoe Fashions At Barnys!

Cher Horowitz from Clueless paved the way for the Paris Hilton’s of today… except Cher was actually entertaining to watch.

Not only that- Cher had her own bff Dionne. Paris used to have Nicole Ritchie as her bff but she had to drop her fast since Nicole began to actually eat again. Nicole also had a better arm accessory- a cute baby. Paris’s little dog couldn’t top that even if she dressed it up in pink doggie outfits. But honestly, Paris if you need a “new bff” there is a reason for that. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since people out there can be so ignorant… you can’t really catch “stupid.” But you yourself are used to catching things no?

Secondly- Hilton’s voice amazes me. I have been trying to figure it out for quite some time but I am still left baffled. She will sometimes talk in a really deep man voice then she will transition back like Benjamin Button to this odd baby voice. FYI news flash … that’s not HOT. I don’t know whether or not you want a new bottle (of vodka) or you need to be burped. Make up your mind… it’s not that difficult. It’s not like you’re choosing between your regular prescription of Valtrex or the generic.

And Paris better stop bullying Lindsay Lohan around at clubs. Lindsay has a man in her life now….Sam the MAN You Messed with the Ron(G) Son. (Yeah, bet you didn’t no that G was silent.) Anyways, speaking of Ronson doesn’t she look like that chick from the 80’s movie “One of the Guys” that used to be on almost everyday on HBO. (If you understand what movie I am talking about I bet you just had an “ah ha” Oprah moment.)

Ronson is so skinny and I can’t understand how she is so slim. I don’t see paparazzi shots of her jogging in the street. I don’t see shots of her leaving a gym. I know she smokes a ton of cigs and she uses her arms as she DJ's at the turntables. But that can’t be that much of a workout. She must eat really healthy. A serving of "firecrotch" must be low in calories.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Summer Lovin'....Random Idea of the Day...

Adrian Greenier arrives at the W Hotel for the unveiling of the Entourage Bungalow

Well well well... Sunday night has finally reared its ugly head. Tomorrow it's "the" dreaded Monday so I'd like to thank HBO for giving us all a few hours of escape tonight before the torturous work week begins.

One of the highlights about my Sunday night is that I get to see my beloved Adrian Grenier on Entourage. This is where my random idea of the day comes in. You may think I am crazy...I think it's genious.

Wouldn't it be something if Vinny Chase got cast for a re-make of Grease playing John Travolta's character Danny Zuko and Olivia Newton John's character Sandy played by that young blonde chick from Mamma Mia? Think about it. If you really want a stretch Johnny Drama could play Kenicki. You're welcome Mark Wahlberg.... I would like to be compensated appropriately for when my idea airs. Thoughts?

Does Brooke HOEgan Really Know Best? I think NOT

Brooke Hogan goes shopping at Kitson on Robertson Boulevard in West Hollywood

Let’s back up for a second….there was a reason besides being awful that the first show on VH1“Hogan Knows Best” failed. Hulk and Linda are in the midst of very messy and dark divorce. Yes- more messy and even more darker than Linda’s black eye liner and clown blush makeup. The fanny pack wearing Hulkster is dating what could be his daughter’s long lost twin while Linda prefers a surfer looking jailbait “boy” who is actually younger than her son. Ouch. She must miss changing diapers…. if she just waited it out a little while longer she could have changed Hulk’s. So impatient Linda.

Then that leaves us with the son Nick who had horrible judgment and raced his car into a tree which badly injured his best friend in this tragic car accident. So it looks as though the Hogan’s DO NOT know best. The VH1 producers than had an idea… Brooke.

They thought....
Hmmm… should we give her a dating show? No- no one would sign up to date her. Hmmm.. should we put her on "RuPaul’s Drag Race" show as a contestant? No- she couldn’t compete with those verosh and diva-licious queens. Hmmm…what about following her non existent singing career (non existent for good reason) and write a robotic and badly executed script? Ding Ding Ding.

They just needed to cast the gay roommate and childhood girlfriend to add humor and throw in an occasional cheesy fight in the mix. In fact, so much cheesiness that Britney Spears would be able to sniff her way to Brooke’s Miami apartment.

However, in my personal opinion when one dyes their own hair yellow out of a box, gets horse like fake hair extensions, tans to the point of orange and still wears glitter and pleather….it shows me that person DOES NOT know best. FYI- I am speaking about Brooke not Britney for those of you who may be confused- I know there are similarities.

I enjoy her roommate/choreographer Glenn. However, why do they always think gay men put those horrendous blonde highlighted “tips” in their hair that they spike in the front? Any legit gay man would shudder at the thought. Break the stereotype… that was about five years ago when Lance Bass was considered cool and Justin Timberlake was still straight. I am not getting those two confused either…Justin is dating that man Jessica Biel.

"Brooke Knows Best" is on about forty times a day with re-run after re-run. It makes me want to cry as much as T.O. cries in one of his episodes of "The T.O. Show.” I shouldn’t be mean… I enjoy Terell Owen’s new show. I keep looking at how amazing his diamond earrings would look so much better in my ears. Touchdown.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

It's Gettin' Hot in Hurrrr... but PLEASE Keep on All Your Clothes...

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt celebrate his birthday at Cut in Beverly Hills

“Pwease weave the stage so we can dewibate uww will be owt.”
Oh Heidi Klum… I love her squeaky high pitched baby voice. All of her “L”’s are pronounced in the same form as a “W.” It’s like German ebonics. (sigh) I miss the old Project Runway. I actually caught my favorite cast on a re-reun on Bravo yesterday. Those were the good old days when chain-smoking “big” Jay and Ms/Mister Austin Scarlett was on. Austin holds a special place in my heart. With his red “razzle dazzle” glossed lips, the rolling of his eyes as he bats his mascara lashes AND wait for it…. wait for it… his feathered hair flick.

Austin is about as pale as a porcelain doll so when they cut to judge Michael Kors all I see is his square head and bad Donald Trump bronzer (a.k.a. orange makeup) on his face. The fashion not only made me gasp that season but the drama with that "skunk haired" house mom made me smile. But now they have the same boring characters season after season that under deliver the goods in both the garment and personality department. I will give their next season another shot but it may be the first time Bravo disappoints me. One point for Lifetime.

Speaking of Heidi’s… lets segway into another one….Heidi Montag. Except she is NO model and I DON’T want to see her in her underwear… I’ll leave that to Ms. Vicky’s Secret a.k.a “The Klum."

Anyways, Montag can be seen (at your own risk) baring almost all in Playboy. The cover reads “The Gossip. The Drama. The Dirt” as Heidi stands in a white bikini with dirt smeared on her body with an outline of the trademarked bunny on her stomach. The dirt makes sense but I would probably surround her with garbage to get the full effect of her trashiness. I blame Heidi's horrible life choices on Spencer. He looks like a villainous Ken doll come to life but in the form of something that should be standing in Madame Tussades Wax Museum. If Heidi finally comes to her senses that she is married to the anti-christ she will always have a chance with Hugh Hefner. He probably kept calling her “Kendra” throughout the entire photo shoot.

Speaking of baring all… why on earth is Vanessa Hudgens still taking pictures of her self naked on her blackberry? FYI I don’t think Zac Efron is interested in you naked… he’s interested in what hair products you are using and what is the best moisturizer for dry skin. I think it’s time our young role models start living up to the squeaky clean image they portray in their films. When Kate Winslet’s character in “The Reader” is wearing more clothes than you there is a problem…..

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Gross Goss.... No Mas

Jon Gosselin Goes To Polo in the Hamptons

Go away OCTO-Daddy. John Gosselin… you used to sit mute on the couch next to Kate during your confessional scenes on your show…not a peep. Well you couldn’t really because Kate would have a skitzo attack if you coughed or sneezed. But NOW… you won’t shut your mouth! You are again on my cover of “In Touch Weekly." Can’t I just go to the grocery store and get my tabloid glossies with my favorite cover ever… “Brad, Jen and Angie” or whichever celeb is fat this week?
I was frustrated when you began to shop out of K-Fed’s closet, I was annoyed that you bought a NYC apartment when your eight children live in a different state and I was appalled when you became best buddies with Michael Lohan. But you are really starting to cross the line with me… your anticipated “solo” reality show should be called “Gross Goss” followed up by “Cake Boss” on TLC. That show has a fat Italian who bakes cakes for a living -which holds more interest to me than you and your mid life crisis of a life.

I used to feel so bad for you. I used to wish you would throw a bucket of water on Kate so she would melt and your eight little monkeys could fly free. But now…. you are in the mix of a love triangle with a Star reporter and a girl that aced her “Binge Drinking and Falling into Plants 101” Class. While Kate would play religious songs to the children…. I have a hunch that your little youngin’ of a girlfriend would try to teach the kids to spell with songs like “Ferga-Lious” “D to the E to the L-I- C- I- O- U -S” or “this shhhh----- is bananas B –A–N-A-N-A-S. Not right.

Thank God Kate is more of a man then you are- someone needs to take care of those cute kids. It will be beneficial for both you and Kate to watch them before Angelina mistakes one for Maddox or Pax. Here’s an idea Gross Goss… why don’t you stop trying to go back in time and binge drink (we all see the buddah belly) and stop dating twenty something butta face girls and focus on your kids and getting a “real job” and stop pimping yourself out to Ed Hardy. You may be a daddy but that’s the cut off… your not Puff.

Paula vs. The Cold Hearted Snake......the FOX network

Paula Abdul arrives back at Burbank airport

Paula Abdul is no longer on the worldwide kareoke challenge "American Idol." Thank you sweet Jesus! It’s about time! It’s like a car salesman teaching a priest how to be holy. She is NOT a good singer and yet she was still preaching to the choir (no pun intended) to these young talents on what they needed to be better at with their pitch/vocals. How does this make any sense?

I cannot stand the“FOX” network they are not what I consider to be “fair and balanced” but I say thank you to the high level execs. Now you just need to take off Randy and replace him with someone else… if I hear him say “dawg” one more time I think I might go Rottweiler on his gastric bypass behind. This could be a disaster for Paula’s career.. .however she will have other opportunities… for example: she can endorse “Sleepy’s” or “Nyquil” since she is very farmiliar with sleeping and downers.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I want to HANG out with that Dude from The HANGover

The Hangover - Barcelona Premiere

I went to see “The Hangover” and was pleasantly surprised. I went in knowing it wouldn’t compare with “Old School” or any of the other raunchy funny “man” comedies. I thought Vegas, younger guys, Mike Tyson singing and rated R… this has to be either really cheesy or really funny.

Besides wiping the drool away from my lips every time Bradley Cooper was on screen with his slicked back long hair and those sexy aviators I was mesmerized by this short, chubby little man named Zak Galifianakis. I don’t remember him in any other shows or movies but all I knew was he is the breakout star of the year. He’ll probably get a stupid MTV Award next year… only if "New Moon" doesn’t send the tweens into finger dialing seizures.

I am just so relieved that there is a “new” funny guy in the mix. Don’t get me wrong but I still love Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn and the rest of the “frat pack” but it’s refreshing to see someone new. I am keeping my fingers crossed that Galifianakis will host an episode of SNL. That will definitely be “TIVO” worthy.

Please -a side note to Judd Apatow- it would be in your best interest to pair him with Seth Rogen in your next film. Well, just in case Jonah Hill is unavailable and you need the "funny chubby dude" since Rogen recently became buliamic. I see even more box office money in your future.

I don’t know what it is about Galifianakis, maybe all of that hair, that I just want to pet him or shave him. If his character was with me in real life I would make him carry my things in his man bag as we pick up some beer for our BBQ.... inviting people to belong to our special “wolf pack.”

The Mayer of Music... not in Love

John Mayer acts as his own roadie and driver as he leaves an intimate gig at the Hotel Cafe

When I heard “your body is a wonderland…” on the radio my candy lips dropped open with a sense of awe. I was bewildered by this new and unique musician hitting the music scene. But now…present day....I just stick out my bubble gum tongue. This bad taste in my mouth could have started with his bad love life decisions. I mean… Jennifer Love WHOit, Jessica "what did I do ROMOng" Simpson and the ever so "lovely but lonely" Jennifer Aniston.

Mayer actually picked “Twitter” over talking and maintaining a long distance relationship with Aniston while she was away promoting her film. He didn’t have time for the most famous and beautiful women to grace the planet but had time to type he was “eating a sandwich” on the knock off site mirroring Facebook status updates for twits. Who does that? Who does he think he is?

I can tell you one thing he may think he is a deeper Justin Timberlake but I see him as the younger and cuter version of Michael Bolton... but give him twenty more years. He must not be sane. I give him another month and he’ll be following in poor Mischca Barton’s footsteps to the looney toon house. He’ll have time to write a ton of love ballads.

But on a serious note, I am trying to understand what draws powerful celebrity women to him. I too enjoyed him when he had “long” hair…( it was a cross between a Pantene pro-v commercial but in a masculine straight guy kind of way). I appreciated the time it took to look like he wasn’t doing his hair… even though I am sure it takes him hours to get those whimsical strands tousled in front of his face. I also enjoyed the tight white shirts… what girl doesn’t?

I enjoy all these things until he opens his mouth and that weird “morph” face that he does while singing- almost like he’s in pain. It’s ok John you can stop... you may be in pain but so are my ears.

I don’t think John knows what profession he wants to do. He is a singer yet you can tell his first choice was to be a comedian… but there was a major problem… he isn’t funny. But God love him he tries… we all chuckled at his “Borat” cruise ship photo in that lime green speedo. It wasn’t that funny but I thoroughly enjoyed the thought that went into this comedic “package.”

I don’t mean to bash John Mayer. He is talented and I do have him on my ipod. He is a great stress reliever when I fight with my boyfriend. I just turn on some Mayer in the car and sing along to his wales… however… I like my love ballads more refined. *cough* Michael Buble anyone? (Jennifer Aniston... pay attention. Grab a spoon.. it's time for a new flavor of the month.)

Monday, August 3, 2009

Marky Mark Matrimony

Mark Wahlberg and his longterm love Rhea Durham get married in Beverly Hills

My first love was Donny Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block. He was amazing to me in every sense of the word. I had him on my lunchbox, my sleeping bag, t-shirts, scrunchies and posters plastered to my walls. Now that’s what I call dedication.

My sister and I would beg my Mom to take us to concerts whenever the group appeared locally and at one of his shows I remember my mom whispering, “see that guy over there… that’s Donny’s brother.” A light appeared upon his beautiful body… my sister swears it was a spotlight from the stage bouncing off the walls… but I think it was more than that. Harps sang and the bright light blinded me. It seemed like angels sang from above in a godly high pitched harmony… or it was just Joey Mcintyre hitting high notes and letting puberty get the best of him.

BUT there HE was THE Marky Mark minus the funky bunch. Donny had some competition now….and it was all over when Mark appeared in his Calvins. He moved up the celebrity ladder hitting the big screen and now behind the scenes in big hits like Entourage. He has been with his long term girlfriend for quite some time and having kids left and right, I guess it was just a matter of time before the dreaded "M" word.

It is a sad day for women all across the country. Our underwear sporting beefcake has gotten his panties in a bunch and did the “bad boy” unthinkable. He got married! And yet another hot celebrity hunk is off the market. It’s ok Mark….Congratulations…. I send hugs to you and your family. Oh and uhhh… give a hug to your motha fa me ok?

Random Rant of the Day....

Bret Michaels Performs At The Palms

"Calling All Strippers"
should have been the main casting call for VH1’s “Rock of Love with Brett Michaels.” That was the primary and only qualification apparently to win that “rock star version of Fabio’s” heart. Is it me or don’t you think that Brett should have moved from that show to “Tool Academy?” Makes more sense right?

Since my bachelor’s degree from college is failing me in this wretched economy I have been toying with the idea of signing up for the next season…. I mean…all of these contestants are getting their own reality shows! I could pretend that my closest co-worker was a pole.

There was one person on the show I will never forget. At first glance I thought that Brett had a twin sister … they looked identical. They both had long, golden blonde hair and wore tons of makeup. I soon realized they were not related when he started swallowing her face. That evil blonde we all “hate” to “hate” (there is no love involved) is Megan. She actually now has her own show. I hope she brings her little Chihuahua dog on the show….it was the only entertaining thing about her. But Megan is following a tough act....

First we had a real life Muppet named Daisy in “Daisy of Love.” This big bag of crazy always had a glass of champagne (tilted) in hand as she looked at the men in the house with what I call, "Bubble Goggles." This crushed my lifelong belief that “champagne” was only for the classy.

I compare that train wreck with Megan who thinks she’s Malibu Barbie. Except this trashy doll wants a personal sugar daddy as opposed to a Ken. The show is called “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” even though “I Want Megan to Put on Some Damn Clothes.” Where do girls today think that bikinis are a wardrobe? If you are not going in a pool, swimming in the ocean or tanning on a beach chair it is not appropriate to wear this into the store or go on national television. And to think "evening wear" is throwing on some strappy heels with a rhinestone bikini does not turn swimwear into an outfit…. It just doesn’t… a blouse and a skirt do!

I compare this breed of girls to girls who take pictures in bathrooms. Is that necessary? There can surely be a better background to take a group picture with your girlies to remember… not in a place where you do your business and use your feminine hygiene products. It is a place to touch up your lip-gloss and tell your best friend how much you are grossed out by your date. It's not a place to take glamour shots to post on Facebook and Myspace. Keep this in mind unless you want to qualify for next season of Rock of Love…. you may get your own show out of it.