Friday, July 31, 2009
The Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 2 Rundown: From Oranges to Apples, From Hairspray to Peaches.”
NeNe’s back… BAM! And I couldn’t be more excited. She’s rocking a new short hair doo… while Kim is still rocking her long fake Dolly Parton wig. It seems that she has taken some hairspray lessons from the New Jersey housewives.
Sheree has finally cut her ties with Kim. In a clip she can be seen angerly attempting to rip off Kim’s weave in this upcoming season. Watching this footage I couldnt help but have a Jerry Springer flashback. Rewind to me me sitting in my living room in high school with my mouth gaped open eating a bowl of Coco Puffs cereal seeing wigs ripped off and chairs flying. I was in disbelief that people could do this on national tv. Especially seeing this NOW with these women who are supposed to be highly regarded.
There is a new housewife in the mix adding some of her own sweetness to these juicy peaches…. Kandi. I didn’t stutter… her name is Kandi. With that name I have a feeling she may have crossed paths with Kim at an Atlanta club working the pole if you if you know what I mean. She wrote the hit songs “Scrubs” by TLC and “Bills Bills Bills” for Destiny’s Child and I am thinking she might possibly know from experience.
Plus we may catch a glimpse of Kim's boyfriend, "Big Poppa," this season... I wonder if he loves it whe she calls him this. I think I know a potential wedding dance song for these two crazy kids if this blossoms into marriage in the future (he of course would have to get a divorce first).
What bums me out is this season doesn’t look too exciting AND it's throwing me off because its time slot is not on the usual Tuesday night lineup. But I don’t think anything can top those table flipping New Jersey crazies.... yet. They need to come to come film "The Real Housewives of Connecticut" and see some of the cougarlish crazies that reside here. We don't really have a fruit for them to hold up in the promo... but a tennis racket would do.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Jennifer Aniston has been “America’s Sweetheart” since she had “The Rachel” on Friends. This started wayyyy back…. I mean… it was super popular when I was in sixth grade. I remember walking the halls of my middle school and seeing every eleven year old girl sporting the short angled haircut. Then I remember walking outside at 2 p.m. when the bell rang and was mystified seeing mothers in their car rocking out the same doo. Creepy. Almost as creepy that they actually made Aniston’s character attracted to David Schwimmer. The show’s writers must have drank way too much “Central Perk” to go along with that storyline.
Move over Kendra, Holly and Bridget….Aniston soon became the epitome of the hot “girl next door.” She didn’t have to resort low cut shirts to show her breasts, dye her hair platinum or wear a ton of makeup. She was naturally beautiful (besides the nose job)…. But most importantly- not a Plain Jane. When I think of the girl next door, I admit, I tend to stereotype. I associate this type of girl as wearing black North Face fleeces and no makeup with mousey brown hair. Gag. Boring. Aniston I think is the only person that could turn a plain Gap t-shirt and cargo pants into high fashion sprucing it up with a trendy bag or simply elegant sandals. Love it. Suddle and sheik not loud and skank: take note Angelina (dig).
She was married to one of the hottest men to grace the universe and since has been linked to the likes of Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler. Seriously the woman is genius. She is the woman every man wants to take home to mom and every girl wants to be best friends with. She has the bragging rights to trump any woman in Hollywood. Some may feel bad for her… I say BRAVO!
Note: Speaking of Bravo… stay tuned for “The Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 2 Rundown: From Oranges to Apples, From Hairspray to Peaches.”
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
You take the good… you take the bad… you take them both and there you have The Facts of Life…. AND my first glimpse of a delicious beef cake Mrs. Garrett baked up. George Clooney. He played a handy man… (insert crude joke here).
I do enjoy Anderson Cooper who is also known as a "silver fox", however, I am prefer more of a salt and pepper shaken guy. George’s locks are a perfect dash of both. It’s the “I am old… but not that old” look.
AND one of his best friends is Brad Pitt. It’s like a mini “DILF” club but the perk is Clooney doesn’t have any children. The only downfall is he had a pet pig at one time so swine flu may be living in the crevice of his living room floor…. watch your step.
But really… what is it in men that they age so much more gracefully than women? The older they get, the more attractive they become. Even though Johnny Depp is a big basket of crazy ....look how good he looks for his age ( well….when he isn’t wearing those weird glasses and actually brushes his teeth). We have to worry about everything dropping and you men just have to worry about one thing going up. It's so frustrating.
This is my mini ode' to older men. Young women don't just date you because you have a nice sports car or money... if you're lucky they're dating you because your actually attractive...hence... "A Clooney."
A Clooney (A Clu-knee): a VERY fit, rich and attractive older man who may be old enough to be your father ....but sure as hell isn't.
Breakups are a pain in the ass… and Kim Kardashian is feeling the pain. There just wasn’t enough room in the relationship for three people. Kardashian’s ass kept butting in and Reggie Bush couldn’t turn the other cheek anymore. And since Kim was so attached he had to let them both go.
No but really… there must be something in the Fruit Punch Gatorade these football players are drinking this past month. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson were the first to start the breakup trend.
According to the National Enquirer Romo not only broke up with Simpson the night before her birthday… he allegedly did it in the parking lot of an IHOP and in the midst of their fight told her to get out AND drove away. OUCH. She would have to actually get some exercise and walk somewhere?
How cruel can you be Tony Romo? Fluffy pancakes and birthday cake will NOT take the pain away from what you did to her but it will sure taste scrumptious when she is scarfing them down wearing your Dallas Cowboys jersey watching Pretty in Pink on TNT in her bed with her dog Daisy (who was given to her by her ex husband). Hasn’t she suffered enough with her recent weight gain.. are you trying to turn her into Kirstie Allie?
Next thing you know Trimspa will be calling up Pappa Joe Simpson looking for her to be their new spokesperson. She is already having trouble getting work. She signed on for another reality show on VH1 I am sure following Rock of Love STD Bus and I anticipate her doing about ten more Proactive commercials in the near future to give to more money to her stage father.
See Jessica. There weren't that many "chickens in the sea" were there? This is what you get for leaving Nick Lachey.Yes, he may have been a cheesy boy bander with that obnoxiously annoying tribal tattoo around his bicep. But don’t judge him… it was the cool thing to do about seven years ago. If you hold that against him you’ll have to say the same for all of the girls who have a tramp stamp.
I mean he cleaned your pool, did work around the house with his "little person" brother Drew and tolerated your slimy gum chomping father. How are you going to get better than that? You cant. So why don’t you do us all a favor and get back with your ex husband so I can add to my Newlyweds dvd collection “Newlyweds Again. Nick and Jessica.”
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I love HBO. They have had some of my favorite shows of all time. Ari Gold rocks my world as much as I want Vince Chase to rock my bed. And I still mourn the loss of my cuddly mobster Tony Soprano and miss getting together with my best friends Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda every Sunday night.
And now… HBO has brought me "True Blood". I must admit I did get caught up on this vampire frenzy along with all women across America called Twilight. I read all of the books in like two weeks because I was madly in love with Edward Cullen. We had a torrid love affair that began every night at around 9 p.m. and would last all hours into the night. Although I was reading about vampires…. I was more so in the zombie species every morning when I woke up from my late night reading excursions. My eyes were red, my under eyes a plum purple and my hair so wild that it could send Paul Mitchell in a hairbrush and fingersnapping tizzy.
The scariest part of the whole Twilight series was when I read the last page of “Breaking Dawn…” because it was “The End”. What do I do now? No more nights with Edward Cullen? I had to look my boyfriend in the eyes after reading about this amazing man named Ed....that's what I called him for short. We were close. But that wasn’t fair to my boyfriend because no matter what he wouldn’t be able to match up to my imaginary vampire boyfriend in my mind that I had so ridiculously created. I saw the Twilight movie and although Robert Pattinson can be summed up in the following equation: amazing to the sexiest power over twelve divided by gorgeous equals yumm...it just wasn’t like the book.
So back to "True Blood"….I was channel surfing one afternoon watching randomness on tv when I came across a “Season 1” recap of "True Blood". I scoffed at first. It was weeks after I finished the Twilight series. My vampire addiction had faded away and I was back to being sane again. But … within minutes I was sucked into the show and patiently awaited Season 2 to begin. All I have to say is… This show is out of control. While I am watching the show these are the repetitive thoughts that run through my mind weekly in every episode… EVERY single episode:
"What the hell? This is sick! What? What’s going on? Gross. Really? What the heck is she? Why is he doing that? Am I watching porn? That blood looks like candy apple syrup! What the hell is this pig supposed to symbolize? Why is she naked?"
This show is bananas. Who would have thought the little girl from The Piano would be talking in a twang accent and showing off her tatas. The sex scenes are so hardcore I forget if I am watching “Real Sex 8” or “True Blood.” I mean… I couldn’t get the horrid images of that bald vampire out of my head for a good week. (if you watch the show… you understand). But I find myself addicted and thirsty for more each week…. partly because I cannot believe how amazing Lafayette’s eyeliner looks. I wish he worked at my local MAC makeup counter.
Monday, July 27, 2009
So apparently Bradley Cooper is downgrading his taste in women. As you may have caught on by now… I relate everything to food. Including people. Bradley started off with a filet mignon steak and downgraded to a chicken nugget. Let me explain…
He was first spotted on a date with Jennifer Aniston a few weeks ago. Major jackpot. Major. That "Hangover" luck rubbed off on him. I mean Jennifer is so cuteaful (mixture of cute and beautiful) and the ultimate angelic girl next door. She is the perfect balance of sweet and sexy. I was impressed. I actually was approving of this couple. Especially since Jen cannot catch a break after Brad Pitt. But this Brad... I was thinking could have worked. Hence….she was the Filet Mignon.
Then he went and jumped off the deep end of the waters … and found himself a blowfish. Renee "Squinty Eye" Zellweger. What are you thinking Bradley Cooper? You went from a delicious cut of steak to trying out this bloated blowfish? What’s going on with your taste pallet? Needless to say, this couple didn’t work either. I mean, are you surprised?
Now this doesn’t end here. There is more tragic dating news. He was seen out recently with Denise "Spider Eyebrow" Richards! She may have a hot body, (we’ve all seen "Wild Things") however, when you look at her face her eyebrows look like arachnophobia. Two hairy little spider legs above her eyes. Uck… I am twitching to tweeze just thinking about it.
So I end the dating meat chain with Denise as the chicken nugget. Some of you may not understand… but… we all know anything with Denise Richards is "Complicated". (Kudos to those who get this joke...)
I usually don’t watch Gordon Ramsay. I always thought that instead of his show being called “Hell’s Kitchen” I say it should be called “Hot Mess.”
You see....Ramsay is like the obnoxious Simon Cowell of food. In his tight chef coat with his arms crossed he just stares at you with those evil eyes before he goes completely lemon marang on your ass. You could make a meal that’s main ingredient was called “delicious” and he would still regurgitate it like a bird and call you an imbusel.
It amazes me that we find entertainment and joy out of this man yelling at chefs each week. He is the only man that I think can make a grown man cry over a soggy piece of wilted lettuce. I remember one episode he actually yelled at an obese chef for sweating on the food….which I agree is totally gross… but back up G. Ram… I don’t think I have hallucinated the many times during your psycho babble rants your spit projectiled into a cornish hen or two. That has to be some sort of food sanitation violation.
I remember reading on TMZ awhile back he burnt his nether regions by cooking commando too close to the stove. And going commando has cooked up some trouble from this chef more times than one. I am not going to get into his alleged cheating scandal… but all I am going to say is karma comes to bite you in the arse my friend… and in your case…. Your meatballs : )
Sunday, July 26, 2009
K-FED needs to stop feeding his face. I have grown a soft spot (no pun intended) for this little greaseball. He basically ruined our beloved pop princess Britney Spears and I hated him for a long time because it. His dirtyness rubbed off on her... remember those awful trucker caps and she would go into public bathrooms and places with no shoes on? She had Cheeto crumbs all over her face like a coke addict who missed their nose. With her downward sprial beginning ... I remember seeing K-Fed in my magazines partying in Vegas... he thought he was so cool and clever coming out with the horrendous single PO PO ZOW! Ughhhh... he was that guy all of our friends have dated and you just think to yourself WHY? But you have to be nice and tolerate him until she comes to her senses. Britney finally did... however....
to put it nicely, Brit Brit went on the road to crazytown. Shaving off her hair, talking in British accents like Madonna. She was ignoring her kids who then spent more time with the Fedmeister. When his manager saw that he was beggining to pudge up I am sure he suggested "to get buff" however, Kevin in turn thought "buff" was an abbreviation for "buffallo chicken."
So this is my open note to K-Fed. I understand your recent exercise routine is pushing the double stroller. That's a great arm work out... but you just need to do a little more.... Set a healthy example for your kids since Britney is trying to get her crap together. Allright Po Po Zow... we don't want you looking like a cow. Add that track to your next single. Word.
Oh Paula Abdul….This poor woman cannot catch a break. She’s already known as the train wreck on American Idol and she was made a fool recently by Sasha Baron Cohen in Bruno. AND NOW…. she is getting the boot from her hit show with no contract to be foreseen anytime soon.
It could possibly just be hype for the show to create drama and ratings but it also could be the fact that Simon and Randy got in a raging bitchfight over who was going to prop up Paula in each episode this season much like a ventriloquist with its limp puppet. Once the happy pills kicked in and Paula was seeing unicorns, fairies and that cat she did that “Opposites Attract” music video the boys didn’t know what to do with her anymore.
In my opinion, this whole charade hasn’t been discrete at all since they brought the “other chick” on AI (she is so useless I don’t even know her name) that the curtains were going to be drawn for Paula soon. The opportunity window is opening for her to be a judge on SYTYCD. This makes more sense with her dancing background since she had no singing background. Wait… she did? That was called singing? Really?
Well I hope she gets some sort of job. I do love her work… I love watching her fight with her eyes to stay open and random standing ovations at inappropriate times. Come to think of it, maybe on her new show she can dance and purposely fall and mess up her back… helllloo happy pills galore.
OMBP! Oh My Brad Pitt!
So it has come out that Brad Pitt doesn’t believe in God. One of the reasons I believe in God is because I am able to look at the beautiful things that I know a higher being must have created it. For example: the ocean, the sunset, the countryside…. AND Brad Pitt.
Did Angelina put some sort of witch spell on him? I know some of you think she is a saint thanks to her applaudable works. I agree it is noble. Not everyone can go to other countries and adopt (collect) children from all over. I don’t trust her though. I remember when she would make out with that creepy Billy Bob all over the red carpet and wear vile of blood around her neck. That couldn’t be sanitary....
Speaking of sanitation I would love to know if she has one of those poop genies for her perfect babies that are too beautiful they resemble children of the corn. I guarantee when they poo it smells like a bed of roses. Who knows? But one thing I do know is…. I smell something funny with that Angelina.
It could be because I am still distraught over the fact Brad left Jen. In a perfect world Angelina would leave Brad due to her bisexual ways and hook up with Jen leaving Brad with his flock of children to raise by himself taking the time slot for Jon and Kate Plus 8. I foresee a hit TLC!
Going Green with Lady Ga Ga
Growing up watching the Muppets I was horrified to see my beloved Kermit the Frog draped all over Lady Ga Ga like a fur coat. I am waiting for PETA to be all over this…. But more so Ms. Piggy. Talk about catching the swine flu… that big piece of curly tail will be all over her like Jessica Simpson at an all you can eat buffet.
The only good advice Suze Orman gave me was to "take a left... then a quick right and follow five blocks." This is because I am convinced she is the same voice that speaks to me in my GPS system. It's the same robotic pitch that makes me cringe.
I am sick of her yelling at everyone who has no money.... how can we possibly save as she says in this horrible economy? Every penny counts right now. It's easy for her to lecture when she has multiple homes and wears as much gold jewelry as Carmella Soprano..... just sayin'
Saturday, July 25, 2009
When I flipped through my TV menu and saw that Rogen was on Conan (who I have also concluded is the only red headed man that I will ever be attracted to) I was beyond excited. I loved him in Knocked Up, Superbad and Pineapple Express and I am impatiently awaiting Funny People to hit theaters. But his jokes were "blah" an his akward laughs were painful to watch at times...it made me wonder what happened to that big funny bear with the jew fro? He just looks like a skinny dude with glasses I would see sitting in Starbucks on his laptop with a messenger bag resting on his chair. This horrifies me to say the least.
All I know is that movie "The Green Hornet" better be pretty amazing since he lost all of his weight for the role... in the meantime....can someone please send him a box of donuts or something? Much appreciated....
If you really think about it... Mariah's style is comparable to the classic mullet quote "business in the front party in the back."in her case skanky on top (bikini top) and business on the bottom (skirt)....ponder that thought.....
We cannot deny what happened everyone... Tom Cruise sucked the coolness right out of our beloved Joey Potter and turned her into a Stepford Wife. We already knew she wasn't that much of an actress... now we know she's not much of a dancer either. Furthermore, she couldnt even act like she was a dancer.
The plot has thickened this week and he is apparently dating a Star Magazine reporter and staying at Michael Lohan's house..... I didn't mis-type... Michael Lohan! That's a father to take advice from Jon. What are you thinking? Next thing you know Michael will be calling Lindsay to go on a date with Jon... even though he's not half the man Samantha Ronson is. I am staying tuned to see where this goes.
I do know one thing... if I see him where another Ed Hardy shirt I will vomit. And the pattern my vomit will actually resemble the likes of an Ed Hardy shirt. The irony!
Explanation: Scarlett is juicy, yummy and tasty while Lindsay is skinny, bland and orange.
Ever since I was ten years old I would lay down in front of the tv in my living room with my hands clutched underneath my chin and stare in a trance watching the E! Channel. I don't remember the name but it was back in the day when there was no Giuliana Depandi or Ryan Seacrest but actual writers and gossip columnists sitting in their office talking about the celebrity gossip of the week. When young girls my age were talking about becoming ballerinas or teachers I was would proudly boast... "Ma... I am going to be a gossip columnist!" She would shake her head and laugh....
Flash forward to present day and I have already done an internship at Star Magazine and whenever I make a trip to the grocery store to get a gallon of milk I walk out with atleast 4 celebrity magazines at hand.... Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly and Star have become my bestfriends. Throw in a pair of sweatpants and a glass of wine and screw the Bahamas... I am in my own paradise.
So... stay tuned for my rants... my opinions .....and my out of control babble that I can't seem to keep to myself anymore. Welcome an I hope you like what I have to DaDish.